autumn twilight
… where the water meets the sea, between the worlds, within the void …autumn twilight
… where the water meets the sea, between the worlds, within the void …Starwood Part 1
There is so much, I’m not sure I’ll ever find the words for it, but if I don’t start now I’ll never manage it. Starwood was the most interesting festival I’ve ever been to. There, that’s a true statement.
It’s hard to understand my reaction to the festival without knowing how it ended, so I’ll start at the end. Almost the end.
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Small Parts of The Self
I have a great deal to say about my time at Starwood. I promise, but I’m still processing much of that. And since it has been some time since I’ve posted anything, and since I have words today, here is what I have.
I feel small. Terribly terribly small. Like I’ve taken on burdens far beyond what I can reasonably sustain. I feel as though the city is crushing me. Like I haven’t had time for myself, for my own healing, my owh thoughts, my own processes. I feel little and crowded. The introvert in me is positively screaming and begging to escape.
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Crisis of Faith
Making the best of a bad situation is sometimes more than you can hope for, but it’s always something to aim at.
I don’t believe, philisophically, that people choose to behave badly. In fact, I don’t believe people make the choice of being evil. Evil is the product of different values, bad judgment, an inability to reason, or an inability to temper reason with values, or any one of a hundred other mixtures of state. I believe that people are inherently good. They do what they think is right. It may not be in line with their stated or cultural morals, but they think it is the best decision they can make at the time.
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Wrenches, Patience, and Vocation
I’m feeling well this morning. A bit frustrated at how late I slept, but I feel good. Much better than I have in the last two weeks. A lot of that feeling has to do with money. I’ve been doing astonishingly well with my money the last two or three months. I’ve got all my bills planned out for the summer, including estimates for larger things like airfare for a potential trip, gas and supply cost for StarWood. I’ve been saving a percentage of my income every month without fail. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m able to contribute a flat percentage of my income to the Brotherhood every pay period, and I’m planning on expanding that to include contributions to other worthwhile organizations. Soon I’ll be able to make some payments to companies that I’ve owed money to for years. If I’m able to wipe out those remaining debts in the next 12 months or so I’ll be out of a hole I dug for myself over a decade ago.
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I control that which I control, but not that which I don't
(Note: The below commentary applies to all sorts of ceremonial magic but is primarily targeted towards those brave individuals performing Goetic operations. Do not attempt to apply or evoke these understandings unless you have a command of the technical performance of ceremonial magic, particularly in the context of the Goetic operations.)
In principle, the magician is the master of the universe. He or she directs the powers of creation and destruction and all forces answer to him. This is in direct conflict with the realization that the magician can not, may not, exert control or command over the Archangels or other beings who directly serve God. This ends up confusing a great many people, particularly since the work of the ceremonial magician is so often to assume the mantle of God, to assume his authority.
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A Message about Denial
Last week I noticed an odd number of hits on a post I made about a year ago. 2009 06 30: Channeled messages The post is a group of channeled messages, some of them general some of them pretty specific and targeted towards me. One of these messages I had completely forgotten about, but is eerily relevant to my processes lately.
School yourself to patience as you have before. And school yourself to denial. The path of the ascetic has lessons which you have not learned. Avoid not desire, but recognize the pursuit of desire differs from the pursuit of the wrong. Desire is good, a strong pull and a stronger knowledge. But choose to pursue the desire that drives you, not the desire that is driven.
We will hold you in our hearts as you hold us. Know that no force can withstand your pursuit of desire if you understand the power of denial.
Rebalancing, Moving with Spirit
This is how it goes sometimes. Life swings back and forth between relative extremes and you just try to keep up. Last night I decided I need to spend a little more time in active spiritual practice. Lately my practice has been focused almost entirely on two things. First, self-transformation and development. I’ve been practicing abstinence, discipline, keeping track of how I spend my time, and of course hacking my lifestyle to create lasting habits of weight loss and better diet. Second, teaching. I’ve put a lot of my spiritual and magical eggs in the teachers basket the last few months. The last five weeks in particular, but it’s been revving up for about 3 months. It will, I think, rev down for another month or so, but I can already feel the energy shifting away from teaching. Rather, the energy is being rebalanced so that teaching is not taking such a generous portion of my energy.
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